Why Soccer Just Lost All Appeal

With the news that England's soccer team has cut David Beckham, we just aren't really interested in it anymore. Aside from his good looks and charming nature, his international popularity has brought attention to the sport like no one else. Oh, silly, we're not talking about the sport soccer. We're talking about the sport of being a celebrity! With his marriage and continued spawning with the Incredible Shrinking Posh Spice, he's brought celebrity-watching to a new level!
Oh, Becks, you heartbreaker!
As for soccer, as long as it still has remarkably well-toned men running around in short-shorts, we're there.

Beam Yourself Up

William Shatner is looking for a sci-fi fan to be a spokesperson for his DVD club.
Coupla things:
*Do we have to act as, um, mannered as Shatner did on "Star Trek"?
*Can we teleport to the studio?
*Will he just make out with us and leave us for some other alien strumpet?
*If we have to wear a red shirt, there's no WAY we're even trying.
*Will he once, just ONCE, look at us the way he looked at Uhura?*sigh*

He Loves, Loves Her Do

Heather Mills, the former model/current activist and soon-to-be ex-wife of Beatles cutie Paul McCartney, is currently embroiled in what could become one the ugliest celeb divorces of our generation (oops, wrong band). Seriously, Paul, getting pissy over some missing bottles of cleaning fluid?
But it's nice to know that through it all, Heather has someone in her corner: her stepfather.
Of course, this is also the man Heather's mother left Heather's father to be with.
Maybe there's more to the McCartney divorce than we thought.

Most Like His On-Screen Persona

*That award goes to Samuel L. Jackson. But honestly, in an age when the happily marrieds are getting divorced at an astonishing clip, and that shy, stuttering Englishman is actually a cocky cheater, it's a relief to hear an actor say, "I dig watching myself work." You may be sick of those snakes on the plane, Sammy boy, but we'll never be sick of you! We actually kind of hope "SoaP" goes the "Rocky Horror" route, where fans bring their own rubber snakes, or spritzers to simulate the storm. Sammy deserves no less than cult movie status!
*Weird guide to Tom Hanks' life and career. Though we like the touch of OCD evidenced by the "funeral" note after the Saint Martin of Tours Church entry.
*Ian Somerhalder = completely hot, with cheekbones and a jawline that could totally cut ice. How is he not on the cover of every magazine, all the time (except for women's magazines -- we like Angelina Jolie for those)?

It's Not Working for Mel's Popularity ...

* ... so why is Robin Williams going into rehab? More importantly, who did he insult so badly that rehab seemed like a wise choice?
*HBO and Ellen Burstyn are at the center of drama -- and not the good, "Sopranos" kind -- for the actress' Emmy nomination for a cameo in the film "Mrs. Harris." Saddest realization of the day: Those 14 seconds were better than almost anything on the WB this season. Sadder still: Rodeo riders only have to last 8 seconds on a bucking bronco. Maybe one of them can win a Tony.
*Entertainment Tonight gets all cagey about the are-they-or-aren't-they relationship between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who have yet to say, yeah, we're involved. But look at them: Nothing says therapeutic revenge fuck like a long and lanky Midwestern slice of meat. For his part, Vince is such a cocksman, we'd be surprised if he didn't egg on the whole Brangelina thing, just in anticipation of schtupping Our Ms. Jen.
*Note to Diddy: You are not now, nor were you ever, sexy. And even if you were, it's not like we'd know what name to attach to it.
*Love OK GO. We command it. They deserve it.

"Harry" Situation?

*Film studios, parents and sci-fi series dorks, we know what you're planning for Nov. 21, 2008. We find it curious that they still have to confirm the cast. Surely Daniel Radcliffe et al aren't aging so quickly that they won't keep their roles. It's not like they're prematurely aging by partying. And in Hollywoodland, where 30-year-olds play high school students, surely a 19-year-old can play 16. Here's hoping the ominous cast note is just a side effect of lawyers being sticklers for signatures.
*We love, love, LOVE this guy. Of course, we just discovered him. And now we're feeling oh-so-fashionably late to the Dave White party. We just hope we're not turned away at the door.
*Break up the monotony of your day by reading a surprisingly dry Wikipedia description of "actor." We do, however, love the caption of the photo on the right.

NY Star Map? Who Cares?

*New York magazine, bragging that stars are leaving the West Coast for New York's concrete shores, has printed a celestial guide for those unfortunate enough to find themselves pounding the beast-like pavement of the Big Apple's core. Your dear Gabbies would never buy such an item. We prefer our star sightings here in LA, where it's more like an exotic animal kingdom than the zoo of NY: You know they're there, but they're free to roam. It makes the sightings so much more deliciously serendipitous! Besides, with the roads out here, they at least stand a fighting chance of getting away from photogs (Lindsay, Britney and Paris notwithstanding).
*Previous winners and contestants are offerings "American Idol" hopefuls advice on getting on the show. We're most impressed by fifth-season coulda-been Constantine Maroulis' advice, which includes, basically, strike while the iron is hot. What with his hard work (that includes an East Coast tour and an album) and healthy attitude, it's easy to see him becoming the most successful former "AI" to date (excluding your Gabloid personal fave Kelly Clarkson!). Just say no to showtunes, Constantine!
*A new Levis ad showing a cut, CUT man contains the tagline "Each pair an original, made by hand." Your dear Gabloiders are simply atwitter: We have a hand job we'd like to give him ...

Paris Hilton Closes Entrances to Visitors

* Finally, proof that Paris Hilton is insane: She not only claims she's giving up men and sex, she also compares herself to Princess Diana. Not only does she crave chaos too much to actually give up the only thing that validates her (the men and sex), we doubt she'd ever be as philanthropic as Di. Paris likes to claim that her public persona is nothing like her behind-the-scenes persona, in which her voice is deeper and her mind far less scattered. Fingers crossed we'll get to see that behind-the-scenes persona a little more once the plastic surgery starts taking its toll.
* Like many icons who were raised Catholic, Madonna has once again bitten her thumb at the Church, performing her controversial crucifixion during a concert in Rome. Luckily, Italian fans felt her pain and cheered her on. Considering the controversies the Church has found itself at the center of in the past several years, it should consider itself lucky she didn't include pictures of priests in compromising positions with young children, or have Mel Gibson cameo.
*Will Tom Cruise be on the dole sometime soon? Studios recovering from an EXTRAORDINARY number of box office bombs are getting tough, cutting prices anywhere they can, especially when it comes to talent. In Cruise's case, the threat of unemployment must be most unsettling to him. Not only will it affect his ability to keep adopting babies to claim as his and Katie Holmes' offspring, we wonder if the Church of $cientology will kick him out if his income drops below a certain point.

When Guitarists Bite Back

A certain smashingly cut and well-cosmeticized guitarist and his publicist were approached by a life and style magazine to comment on his habits, details they said they'd learned from an insider.
The "insider" spilled that the guitarist wore eyeliner even for simple chores, like walking the dogs, and that he may be getting Botox and having his eyebrows waxed.
Balls out, the guitarist and his people responded.
And when the magazine refused to print his response, the guitarist printed his response on MySpace:
"Evidently, your insiders are useless. I have never walked our dogs, however, a little bump on the eyes would definitely make it a more dramatic event! As for the speculations on my grooming habits, you got that all wrong too. Is the week's entertainment news really THIS slow? Why don't you guys skip the insider fee and send a check to The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation?"
And that's why Dave Navarro is a god.

Talking 'Bout His Revolutions

*X Gamer Travis Pastrana amazed the world (well, the X Games world, anyway) by doing a double backflip on a motorcycle. Frankly, it's nice to see that there's at least one American doing something amazing on a bike this year, right, Floyd?.
*KISS fans are demanding the band be allowed in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We like "Beth" and think "Detroit Rock City" is a fine anthem, but we're thinking the only way KISS is getting in the hall of fame is with their $20 admission.
*Erstwhile "American Idol" wannabe Clay Aiken seems to be hoping his new album will make everyone forget the kd lang makeover he gave himself. We understand wanting to look like anyone but Clay Version 1.0, but remaking songs performed by icons like Dolly Parton, Bryan Adams and Celine Dion seems foolhardy. You've now copied a look, songs and a gay sex scandal from other, greater stars. Too bad you can't copy their success as well.