Why Soccer Just Lost All Appeal

With the news that England's soccer team has cut David Beckham, we just aren't really interested in it anymore. Aside from his good looks and charming nature, his international popularity has brought attention to the sport like no one else. Oh, silly, we're not talking about the sport soccer. We're talking about the sport of being a celebrity! With his marriage and continued spawning with the Incredible Shrinking Posh Spice, he's brought celebrity-watching to a new level!
Oh, Becks, you heartbreaker!
As for soccer, as long as it still has remarkably well-toned men running around in short-shorts, we're there.

Beam Yourself Up

William Shatner is looking for a sci-fi fan to be a spokesperson for his DVD club.
Coupla things:
*Do we have to act as, um, mannered as Shatner did on "Star Trek"?
*Can we teleport to the studio?
*Will he just make out with us and leave us for some other alien strumpet?
*If we have to wear a red shirt, there's no WAY we're even trying.
*Will he once, just ONCE, look at us the way he looked at Uhura?*sigh*

He Loves, Loves Her Do

Heather Mills, the former model/current activist and soon-to-be ex-wife of Beatles cutie Paul McCartney, is currently embroiled in what could become one the ugliest celeb divorces of our generation (oops, wrong band). Seriously, Paul, getting pissy over some missing bottles of cleaning fluid?
But it's nice to know that through it all, Heather has someone in her corner: her stepfather.
Of course, this is also the man Heather's mother left Heather's father to be with.
Maybe there's more to the McCartney divorce than we thought.

Most Like His On-Screen Persona

*That award goes to Samuel L. Jackson. But honestly, in an age when the happily marrieds are getting divorced at an astonishing clip, and that shy, stuttering Englishman is actually a cocky cheater, it's a relief to hear an actor say, "I dig watching myself work." You may be sick of those snakes on the plane, Sammy boy, but we'll never be sick of you! We actually kind of hope "SoaP" goes the "Rocky Horror" route, where fans bring their own rubber snakes, or spritzers to simulate the storm. Sammy deserves no less than cult movie status!
*Weird guide to Tom Hanks' life and career. Though we like the touch of OCD evidenced by the "funeral" note after the Saint Martin of Tours Church entry.
*Ian Somerhalder = completely hot, with cheekbones and a jawline that could totally cut ice. How is he not on the cover of every magazine, all the time (except for women's magazines -- we like Angelina Jolie for those)?

It's Not Working for Mel's Popularity ...

* ... so why is Robin Williams going into rehab? More importantly, who did he insult so badly that rehab seemed like a wise choice?
*HBO and Ellen Burstyn are at the center of drama -- and not the good, "Sopranos" kind -- for the actress' Emmy nomination for a cameo in the film "Mrs. Harris." Saddest realization of the day: Those 14 seconds were better than almost anything on the WB this season. Sadder still: Rodeo riders only have to last 8 seconds on a bucking bronco. Maybe one of them can win a Tony.
*Entertainment Tonight gets all cagey about the are-they-or-aren't-they relationship between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who have yet to say, yeah, we're involved. But look at them: Nothing says therapeutic revenge fuck like a long and lanky Midwestern slice of meat. For his part, Vince is such a cocksman, we'd be surprised if he didn't egg on the whole Brangelina thing, just in anticipation of schtupping Our Ms. Jen.
*Note to Diddy: You are not now, nor were you ever, sexy. And even if you were, it's not like we'd know what name to attach to it.
*Love OK GO. We command it. They deserve it.

"Harry" Situation?

*Film studios, parents and sci-fi series dorks, we know what you're planning for Nov. 21, 2008. We find it curious that they still have to confirm the cast. Surely Daniel Radcliffe et al aren't aging so quickly that they won't keep their roles. It's not like they're prematurely aging by partying. And in Hollywoodland, where 30-year-olds play high school students, surely a 19-year-old can play 16. Here's hoping the ominous cast note is just a side effect of lawyers being sticklers for signatures.
*We love, love, LOVE this guy. Of course, we just discovered him. And now we're feeling oh-so-fashionably late to the Dave White party. We just hope we're not turned away at the door.
*Break up the monotony of your day by reading a surprisingly dry Wikipedia description of "actor." We do, however, love the caption of the photo on the right.

NY Star Map? Who Cares?

*New York magazine, bragging that stars are leaving the West Coast for New York's concrete shores, has printed a celestial guide for those unfortunate enough to find themselves pounding the beast-like pavement of the Big Apple's core. Your dear Gabbies would never buy such an item. We prefer our star sightings here in LA, where it's more like an exotic animal kingdom than the zoo of NY: You know they're there, but they're free to roam. It makes the sightings so much more deliciously serendipitous! Besides, with the roads out here, they at least stand a fighting chance of getting away from photogs (Lindsay, Britney and Paris notwithstanding).
*Previous winners and contestants are offerings "American Idol" hopefuls advice on getting on the show. We're most impressed by fifth-season coulda-been Constantine Maroulis' advice, which includes, basically, strike while the iron is hot. What with his hard work (that includes an East Coast tour and an album) and healthy attitude, it's easy to see him becoming the most successful former "AI" to date (excluding your Gabloid personal fave Kelly Clarkson!). Just say no to showtunes, Constantine!
*A new Levis ad showing a cut, CUT man contains the tagline "Each pair an original, made by hand." Your dear Gabloiders are simply atwitter: We have a hand job we'd like to give him ...

Paris Hilton Closes Entrances to Visitors

* Finally, proof that Paris Hilton is insane: She not only claims she's giving up men and sex, she also compares herself to Princess Diana. Not only does she crave chaos too much to actually give up the only thing that validates her (the men and sex), we doubt she'd ever be as philanthropic as Di. Paris likes to claim that her public persona is nothing like her behind-the-scenes persona, in which her voice is deeper and her mind far less scattered. Fingers crossed we'll get to see that behind-the-scenes persona a little more once the plastic surgery starts taking its toll.
* Like many icons who were raised Catholic, Madonna has once again bitten her thumb at the Church, performing her controversial crucifixion during a concert in Rome. Luckily, Italian fans felt her pain and cheered her on. Considering the controversies the Church has found itself at the center of in the past several years, it should consider itself lucky she didn't include pictures of priests in compromising positions with young children, or have Mel Gibson cameo.
*Will Tom Cruise be on the dole sometime soon? Studios recovering from an EXTRAORDINARY number of box office bombs are getting tough, cutting prices anywhere they can, especially when it comes to talent. In Cruise's case, the threat of unemployment must be most unsettling to him. Not only will it affect his ability to keep adopting babies to claim as his and Katie Holmes' offspring, we wonder if the Church of $cientology will kick him out if his income drops below a certain point.

When Guitarists Bite Back

A certain smashingly cut and well-cosmeticized guitarist and his publicist were approached by a life and style magazine to comment on his habits, details they said they'd learned from an insider.
The "insider" spilled that the guitarist wore eyeliner even for simple chores, like walking the dogs, and that he may be getting Botox and having his eyebrows waxed.
Balls out, the guitarist and his people responded.
And when the magazine refused to print his response, the guitarist printed his response on MySpace:
"Evidently, your insiders are useless. I have never walked our dogs, however, a little bump on the eyes would definitely make it a more dramatic event! As for the speculations on my grooming habits, you got that all wrong too. Is the week's entertainment news really THIS slow? Why don't you guys skip the insider fee and send a check to The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation?"
And that's why Dave Navarro is a god.

Talking 'Bout His Revolutions

*X Gamer Travis Pastrana amazed the world (well, the X Games world, anyway) by doing a double backflip on a motorcycle. Frankly, it's nice to see that there's at least one American doing something amazing on a bike this year, right, Floyd?.
*KISS fans are demanding the band be allowed in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We like "Beth" and think "Detroit Rock City" is a fine anthem, but we're thinking the only way KISS is getting in the hall of fame is with their $20 admission.
*Erstwhile "American Idol" wannabe Clay Aiken seems to be hoping his new album will make everyone forget the kd lang makeover he gave himself. We understand wanting to look like anyone but Clay Version 1.0, but remaking songs performed by icons like Dolly Parton, Bryan Adams and Celine Dion seems foolhardy. You've now copied a look, songs and a gay sex scandal from other, greater stars. Too bad you can't copy their success as well.

Internet = Good for games and porn

An homage: Finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of half-naked men to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their sodding asses and back on the Internet.

'Talladega' Frights

*People wonder if "Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby" will alienate NASCAR fans. Folks, it's a comedy, a Will Ferrell comedy at that. NASCAR fans will line up for this like niche film the way frat boys lined up for "Old School" and washed-up newscasters and wannabes lined up for "Ron Burgundy."
*The online auction of an Oscar was cancelled after it was revealed to be a fake. What makes this Oscar any more of a fake than the one Marisa Tomei got for "My Cousin Vinnie"?
*A prisoner who created works of art using paint he made from the dye from M&Ms and brushes he made with his own hair has gotten in trouble for running a business out of his cell, even though he doesn't make a profit off it. We're thinking the guards should be ecstatic that a guy clever enough to create paint out of candy hasn't put that energy into escaping.
*So, now Tom Cruise ex Penelope Cruz claims she's seen Suri, too. Maybe that Tom and Katie's plan to make money off the Scientology spawn: just keep charging admission till she's paid for herself, or is old enough to pose nude, 'cause isn't that where this is headed?

*Movie we're most looking forward to, based solely on the stills: "Renaissance"

J.Lo leaves 'Dallas'

... which we're pretty OK with. The structure of the story alone has, like, six lead characters (and that's not even counting whoever's cozying up to Lucy's amazingly bouncy rack).
And depending on who else is cast, the presence of the actress-turned-singer-turned-tabloid fodder-turned-star (we love how Jenny-poo turned her back on acting and is focusing on coasting) will just be a huge attention drain from the rest of the cast.
Look to films like "The Royal Tenenbaums" or "Ocean's Eleven" for clues about how to cast an ensemble film. You can't wedge an attention magnet like the Lop part of Lopanthony in there and think it's going to work out.

Begging Belief

On tonight's rerun of "CSI: NY," the one that starts at a Kid Rock concert, how did that girl hear her cell phone ringing when she's in the pit right in front of the stage? We'd like to be at a concert that reasonable where decibels are concerned.
We also wonder why Kid Rock agreed to appear on this show. Not only was his opening song ("Bawitdaba") not even close to his most recent hit, it immediately gets a black eye like a dopey kid during a game of dodgeball once the show's theme song, "Baba O'Riley" by the Who, cranks up.
Maybe Kid like the "Bawitdaba"-"Baba" symmetry -- but we somehow doubt that occurred to him.

Unluckiest Lucky SOBs

Richard Hatch, winner of the first "Survivor," can't catch even the slimmest slip of luck.
First, his son accuses him of abuse (for forcing him to do pushups, which would be like a punishment for us, too).
Then he gets found guilty of tax evasion for not paying his dues on his big "Survivor" winnings. He claims he thought the network was going to pay the taxes. Umm, really? Had he never heard that there's no such thing as a free lunch?
Now, he's being made the subject of a game of prison hot potato, getting shuffled from prison to prison. A ward of several different states since his sentencing, he's in West Virginia now.
It's like he's one of those lotto winners who get all the luck of their lives in one fell swoop, then the pendulum swings the other way, and they get killed in a car wreck going to the funeral of their granddaughter who was killed by her drug-dealing boyfriend.
Buck up, Richard. Even with the big bite taken by the taxes and accountants and lawyers' fees, your prize dollar will go a hell of a lot further in Appalachia country than anywhere else.

Black to the '70s

Crossover poster boy Jack Black is returning to the musical roots from whence he came when he performs the role of King Herod in a one-off fundraiser reunion of "Jesus Christ Superstar" in Hollywood on Aug. 13. What wouldn't we give though to see him play Jesus, a role he parodied in a "Mr. Show" ep. lo many years ago?

Brokeback Batman*

Upon hearing the news that Heath Ledger had signed up to play The Joker in the next Batman movie, several thoughts occurred to us:
1) How indie can a more-or-less mainstream movie get? Star Christian Bale and director Christopher Nolan are hardly household names (more like arthousehold names), and Heath is hot, but hardly someone our grandmother knows.
2) How ballsy is Heath, taking over a role that Jack Nicholson played to such Mir-style heights? That gets us wondering: Who else has taken over roles previously played by Jack? (By that, we mean, who has DARED to think they could do that?) OK, so, we have Steven Weber who played Jack Torrance in the TV version of "The Shining." Hmm ... there were a lot of actors in "Wings," so we'll narrow it down for you: he's not the one who has won multiple Emmys since the show left air, or the one who's been nominated for an Oscar. Then there's Gary Sinise, who played Randle McMurphy in a stage version of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." OK, we actually love Gary. We've been wet for him since "Of Mice and Men." Not that that's a sexy movie, but *glee!* he's so talented! SO, we give him an exemption since the performance was on stage and no one saw it. What? It's true. Soooo ... that leaves us with Bill Murray, who also played a masochistic dental patient in the musical version of "Little Shop of Horrors." OK, Bill gets a genius exemption. So we guess that leaves Steven the odd man out.
3) How gay is this movie going to be? We mean gay in the good, homosexual way. Christian and Heath together will generate so much angsty heat, it'll be scorchier than "A Separate Peace." And it will give such delicious new meaning to the line, "Where does he get those wonderful toys?"



*We know we won't be the first to come up with this amazingly alliterative name, but it's really awesome.